the universe is making room for me...

My father has this habit of calling and leaving me voicemail messages whenever a song comes on the radio that makes him think of me...and if you know my father and I, there are legions of these songs. Over the years i've had countless voicemails of him singing along to the Everly Brothers or Stevie Wonder or even the Black Keys once. Well...with the Black Keys he wasn't so much singing along as he was saying "This song HOLLERS"...which is high compliment from my dad.

My mom does somewhat of the same thing...but usually it involves her leaving a message as to what she is doing and rambling on regarding her day and what happened and why that was good or bad.

They are voicemails of my parents...just being my parents. I love them. I've saved them since I've had an iPhone. Never sure of what to do with them, but certain that one day, I would want to have them. One day I'll want to hear my dad tell me again that "you're never alone and your back is never against a wall and you'll always have resources." and a message from my mom telling me "i love you my little kitten and I'm so proud of you." which sometimes, you really need to hear from your mom.

Over the years I've saved other messages, birthday messages from my sister, particularly funny notes from friends, thoughtful messages from people...i've saved them all as sort of a verbal diary of love. I have messages from my aunt, just because and a message that from my buddy Duke that I love because it makes me laugh and laugh. A message from my old boss when I called her terrified from the basement of my Manhattan hotel because a new job offer hadn't materialized yet and I was running out of time. Her voicemail told me I was important to the company and they wanted me to find a job I loved. Hearing it gave me the first deep breath i'd had all day.

...and then after awhile my voicemail was full and i started having to decide which of these messages i truly needed to keep. The first ones to go were the ones from Smash. Then it was full again.

Finally, tonight, in desperation, I found a program that would allow me to export all these files into files I could save on my computer. $34 and 10 minutes later, my memories are safe. Years from now, I'll be able to listen to my dad be my dad and remember what that sounds like...or my mom's assessment of who during her day was "just being an asshole"...Birthday greetings from my sister and a message from when Smash and I first broke up and I first told everyone the truth of what had been going on...the message, from K, simply said "I'm thinking about you, i love you, we all love you and we all wish you were sitting with us right now so we could hug you."

They are safe and sound. But the strange thing was that prior to purchasing the full program, it would only pull up deleted voicemails from two-three years ago...or long about the time that Smash and I had broken up, I had started dating someone new and he was begging me for another chance  to prove his love. Promises that he could be the person I needed and wanted him to be. Offers to pick me up from work, bring me ice cream, voicemails where he sang to me or just told me a joke on a day when he knew i was stressed. There were other calls too, more routine ones just saying he had landed in whatever city he was in and he loved me and missed me. Even a few made from the old days of phone cards while he was in Australia and had to dial 4000000 digits.

I listened to a few of them and i have to admit it sucked me in. I've been missing him a little lately and had to call on several of my stronger, tougher and more mentally detached friends to keep me grounded and remind me that the person i was presently missing is not a real person. He's a made up person who did nice things and sweet things in between doing perverted things and dangerous things, cruel things.

But damn, hearing his voice tell me he loved the video i sent him after I got my hair "did" one night or him saying "I miss you, the sunset is beautiful, i wish you could see it."

well it got me.

or it had me for a moment. while the program downloaded, i debated on if i needed to save those voicemails. i'm not sure why i would...when i think of them logically and linearly...they do not remind me of a good time in my life.

When i think about them, they remind me of the sadness of pretty words spoken by someone who could tell me he missed me every night, but never truly miss me.

By someone who could say he only liked the pictures where i was really smiling and that i was much cuter when I smiled, but who for all that feigned acceptance of me with no make up and a ponytail, never really accepted me.

I listened to the voicemails and thought about all the times I tried so hard to be enough...but all the red lipstick and cute dresses and sexy lingerie only went so far. at some point...they were just words I was saving, not real emotions.

The program finished downloading and backing up my computer and the universe made a decision for me. The old voicemails are gone. I didn't have to decide. The universe did it for me.

The universe is making room for someone to leave me voicemails that WILL truly reflect how they truly feel. Ones I don't have to second guess. Ones that won't elate me and leave me hollow at the same time.

It's also making room for more notes from my dad just being my dad, my mom just being my mom and my loving, understanding and compassionate friends to encircle me with more faith, more love and more safety than I probably deserve.

The universe is making room for me...and I intend to spread out and take it all up.