There is the distinct chance that I might not recognize it...even if it was staring me in the face, which it has done multiple times.
There is a very real chance that I'll at least attempt to sabotage anything that at it's basic level, feels like it came with too little effort, that I didn't "work" for.
...and by work I mean cry, beg, plead and otherwise humiliate myself in the name of love.
which as it turns out...isn't love at all. isn't that a funny little trick?
The relationships i've worked the hardest for, the ones where I put myself and my needs as a distant second behind the needs and wants of the person I was trying to be in a relationship with...those have been the relationships that have damaged me the most. The people who have come to me with genuine interest and made actual efforts to do kind things...
oh i kicked those boys to the curb, baby...and hard.
a girl i used to work with called me on this years ago. we were driving into the orlando airport and she said "when i started dating (her now husband and the father of her two children) it just made sense, it wasn't hard, i wasn't trying, i was just being. You need to just be and let someone love just you."
Great advice. Not a speck of it taken.
Instead I've spent the last several years creating a person in my head, falling in love with that person and then trying to have a relationship with him.
It's not rocket science why this did not work.
The Smash that I loved was one I created. Cobbleing together the moments when he was actually thoughtful and actually nice to me, I imagined other moments where he would react the same way. I created those moments and then...egads...started to believe that they actually happened.
Um...newflash moron...they didn't.
and 5 years later i'm the same damn chump with a few more wrinkles and a little more jaded.
and those genuine and kind boys? They found people to love them back...and while i'm extremely happy them as people (ironically, i still talk to most of them) i'm jealous...and look back with a sense of regret. That happiness could have been mine, if i had only believed that i, too, deserved happiness and kindness.
So i'm learning to believe in myself and my own capacity to love in truth and it's jarring.
I'm teaching myself to live in the moment and for the moment and for the true moment. I'm learning to live what's real and not the truth that i made up for convenience. I'm learning not to confuse a gesture with a sign and (to paraphrase ASC) "believe someone when they show me who they are"
Smash showed me who he was hundreds of times...shame on me for not believing it. Shame on me for allowing myself to believe that the act was real.
I'm older, hopefully a little wiser and don't have time for such non-sense now.
...and by work I mean cry, beg, plead and otherwise humiliate myself in the name of love.
which as it turns out...isn't love at all. isn't that a funny little trick?
The relationships i've worked the hardest for, the ones where I put myself and my needs as a distant second behind the needs and wants of the person I was trying to be in a relationship with...those have been the relationships that have damaged me the most. The people who have come to me with genuine interest and made actual efforts to do kind things...
oh i kicked those boys to the curb, baby...and hard.
a girl i used to work with called me on this years ago. we were driving into the orlando airport and she said "when i started dating (her now husband and the father of her two children) it just made sense, it wasn't hard, i wasn't trying, i was just being. You need to just be and let someone love just you."
Great advice. Not a speck of it taken.
Instead I've spent the last several years creating a person in my head, falling in love with that person and then trying to have a relationship with him.
It's not rocket science why this did not work.
The Smash that I loved was one I created. Cobbleing together the moments when he was actually thoughtful and actually nice to me, I imagined other moments where he would react the same way. I created those moments and then...egads...started to believe that they actually happened.
Um...newflash moron...they didn't.
and 5 years later i'm the same damn chump with a few more wrinkles and a little more jaded.
and those genuine and kind boys? They found people to love them back...and while i'm extremely happy them as people (ironically, i still talk to most of them) i'm jealous...and look back with a sense of regret. That happiness could have been mine, if i had only believed that i, too, deserved happiness and kindness.
So i'm learning to believe in myself and my own capacity to love in truth and it's jarring.
I'm teaching myself to live in the moment and for the moment and for the true moment. I'm learning to live what's real and not the truth that i made up for convenience. I'm learning not to confuse a gesture with a sign and (to paraphrase ASC) "believe someone when they show me who they are"
Smash showed me who he was hundreds of times...shame on me for not believing it. Shame on me for allowing myself to believe that the act was real.
I'm older, hopefully a little wiser and don't have time for such non-sense now.
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