I'm not exactly sure what I DO want in a relationship...but I know that I'm ready for one. I'm ready to have a teammate...I'm also terrified I don't actually know how to be a good teammate. I guess that will be the next lesson.
It's highly likely that if I do find a teammate, I'll do every damn thing I can to sabotage the situation. I'm good at that. But my friend Mel tells me that the right person won't be fooled by this. The right person will call me on my attempts. The right person will see through my web of bullshit and find me...terrified little me, who will be afraid that the moment she starts trusting in the situation that the other shoe will drop.
I'll get really angry about nothing and probably stomp out of the house with gusto. The right person will bring me my wallet so that if I'm going to huff and puff, at least I can buy myself a beer down the street.
I'll be scared that he's lying to me about anything and everything. I'll want to see who he's texting and if he's flirting. The right person will tell me I'm out of my mind, but show me the phone anyway so that I can see for myself. He'll help me put my trust back together. It will frustrated the hell out of him. Because he won't have caused this fear and he'll find it irrational. But he'll do it...and I'll start to see that someone really can be where they say they are and do what they say they are doing.
I won't ask for help. Even when I need it. I'll haul things from the basement solo and sit and try to spin a web in a world where I don't need anyone to help. The right person will interject and start helping, until I learn for myself that receiving help does not mean you are weak, it means you are twice as strong.
I'll be used to going to things alone, forgetting what it's like to have someone to introduce themselves at parties when I clearly don't remember the name of the person I'm talking too. Or someone to claim illness or exhaustion and thus giving me an out when I need one. I'll probably forget to invite him along to things, because I'll be used to doing this myself. The right person will invite himself.
The right person will not try to make everything 50-50. We won't have to split the tab on the dinner bill. The right person will be working to build a life together and will realize that somedays he has to give 90 because I can only handle 10. The right person will also have days when he needs 90. The right person won't keep count.
The right person will love me straight through my crazy. He'll know it's really ignorance and fear. The right person will realize I really have no idea how to do this. How to share a life. How to give and take.
He'll dance to the beat of his own drum and me to mine. But our beats will come together to make a song. He'll dance with me in public and not be afraid to be mine...he'll teach me to not be afraid to be his. He'll make plans and keep them and eventually I'll discover that as a unit, there is not less of me. There is more of us.
And I'll relax, knowing that there is someone to catch me when I fall, call me on my crap and hold me when I'm afraid. He'll hold the skies up with his shoulders when I need him too. And I'll do the same for him and I won't be afraid that this will make me smaller, because I will never be less important to him. We'll be a team and we'll be better together than we are alone.
So, right person. I'm ready to find you. I'm ready to learn and dance and laugh.
But mostly, I'm ready to love and be loved.
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