it's not that bad..a second beer stream of conscious

...it's just after 10 am and yet...i'm about to be on my second beer. I hung up the phone in such distress that the options were either xxanx or beer. beer was the more fun of the options...so i'm sitting here, typing, listening to wu tang and drinking a beer. 

i do all sorts of shit wrong, but in this case, i really just got screwed. and i keep getting screwed. i worked hard. and what did that get me? fired. because someone had a vendetta. i don't get it. all i ever wanted to do was work and have some success and build on that. 

i'm told today that i should take steps back in my career to rebuild it. 

really? i worked hard and diligently to get where i am and because someone (who DIDN'T work hard to build a career within the company, i might add) decided to take me out, if i want to stay with the company i have grown to love, I need to take a step back? 

nothing happens to her. i just need to take a step back or move, chicago is a saturated market. i need to move, take a pay cut and/or start begging...because SOMEONE ELSE decided to fuck with me. 

truthfully, i'd do it. but i can't afford the pay cut, i'm just barely keeping it together as it is. i can't go and slice a third of my salary. i can't afford it. 

it's shocking and sad to me. so shocking and so sad. that after 5 years of service...i'm just washed up. none of my contributions amount to anything. no one cares how much i cared about the company or all that i was willing to give of myself. it doesn't matter that none of this makes any fucking sense. in five months, my whole career took a nosedive. not me. just my career. 

and everyone is more concerned with protecting the company. telling me why i was wrong. 

THIS WAS NOT MY FAULT. 

i learned a long time ago that it's best to accept where you have been at fault and make a plan to move forward. i try always to do that. i truly do. i'm okay with taking fault and blame. 

But how can i take fault and blame in a situation where i was harassed, threatened. Treated poorly...how can i take responsibility for problems i did not cause? how can i fix problems that aren't all mine. 

i can't. 

i just wanted to work, for a company i love. i just wanted to work. 

she said "i'm going to make sure that you don't work for this company." 

she did it. 

and thanks for that.