"...And then when they encounter someone who has actually lived, they are not really sure how to handle it and walk away calling the girl nuts when the reality is she lived through at some point was nuts. Not her..."
-Gucci last night in the midst of our therapy/olivia pope session.
For someone that I have not even seen since the second month of the year, Smash is doing a hell of a job continuing to fuck with my life. And not only because he sends me strange text messages at strange hours for seemingly no particular reason. He's actually managed to fuck with my actual life...and I didn't have to see him or talk to him for it to happen.
It was all in my mind.
I've noted that at this stage in my life, it's pretty hard to meet someone. I've been set up on dates by friends and upon arrival I feel the need to reassess my friendships...thinking only, "what...in the world...made you think...that we would have something in common...." so that route has not panned out for me and quite frankly...it's been pretty lonely in my world.
there is only so much pintresting and drinking one can do before one must re-evaluate their life choices. As the summer has waned on and with all the professional drama that inhabited the early part of my summer...it's pretty safe to say that i was there.
so i met this guy...Buttercup...with a little help from a dating website...and he was normal...and he liked to do stuff and talk about things! and talk about things and do stuff...simply put...i quickly developed quite a little crush on him and seemingly, he did the same. Since we met, we'd spent a disproportional amount of time together...and it was going well....
and then...i jinxed it.
I headed out to the land of Rum and Ganja for the Royal Wedding last week. Honestly, spent the trip in equal thirds. Text-Flirting Buttercup/Thinking about Buttercup/Wishing I had met Buttercup just a few weeks earlier and I would have brought him with me to the Royal Wedding. While spending my days practicing being a pirate by partaking in rum drinks prior to 10 am and I was coming to the conclusion that I when I got home...I was going to need to spill the beans that I was pretty smitten.
Fast forward to actually getting home, American Airlines loosing my bag, finding my bag and loosing it again, coupled with an early day of travel and no food, by the time I saw Buttercup...well...i wasn't the nicest person. He was sort of in the same boat...having had a long meeting and not having eaten either...and we had a little tiff...
it should have been over there...because it was stupid and silly and a bunch of miscommunications.
...and then...I went crazy...got PTSD if you will. In the midst of the conversation something that was said sounded so damn much like something Smash would say that the lines became blurry and suddenly, I wasn't discussing things with Buttercup...
Oh no, now I was fighting with Smash...and in fighting with Smash, one was always fighting, in general, for their lives.
Smash claims to very easy going...which is not true. Smash is only easy going because he ignores anything anyone asks of him that he does not want to do...or is quick to point out how one is unreasonable for even asking.
Me: "Smash, since we're both traveling now, I would really appreciate it if when you leave and I'm not here if you would make sure to leave the house clean. If you can't do that, can you at least tell me? It was upsetting to me to come home to dishes that had been in the sink for 2 weeks and dirty dishes in the dishwasher."
Smash: "Well sometimes you leave the house messy and I don't say anything."
Well then, since this is already starting out on a kick of maturity...
and the fights would start there. With him ignoring me and dismissing me. With me asking for a partnership and him informing me that I had no say in the matter and that he would prefer to do exactly what he wanted, exactly when he wanted and would accept absolutely zero in the way of requests otherwise.
...and the only way to remedy that was for me to up the ante. To kick it in high gear and repeat myself again and again until I was blue in the face and then he would finally hear me...or at least then he would finally notice...and occasionally, he'd change courses.
This is NOT a healthy way to conduct disagreements, nor is it remotely acceptable in the adult world. However, I can't say we were all that squarely in the adult world. I mean, Smash was still allowing his parents to give him money for bills.
It was, however, the only thing that worked.
So, for those playing along at home...the only way for me to have any say in any situation was for me to literally get mad enough to loose my shit...flailing and crying and saying just about anything to try to find words that would get through his thoughtless mind so that he would see me.
I hated it...but I got used to it. So much so that I started to skip the part where I would actually start to become frustrated and try to have a logical adult conversation and move right to the part where I went off. It was a real timesaver in my life.
...i'm not proud of it.
Suffice to say...i have NO idea how to disagree like an adult and have NO practice at it.
So when my relationship PTSD struck, it was not that I was talking something through with someone who has done me zero wrong...
...I was suddenly fighting a battle in my own head...
and really really pissing off Buttercup.
I TRULY could not help myself. I was so riled up and angry I cleaned the entire house. I was stewing and moving around fueled by anger.
and poor Buttercup bore the brunt of my rage and he didn't really do anything.
Very fair of me.
I've said numerous times that I was going to fuck things up with the next person i dated...and I certainly did. and I have to own that.
Upon returning to the real world, I forced myself to re-read the texts I had been sending and try to remember the words that I venomously spit from my mouth. As I read and remembered my own words, my stomach dropped. I had become that person that I hated, the one I have been afraid would pop up again. The one that was constantly fighting for her place in the relationship.
...and not a single part of that had ANYTHING to do with the conversation I was actually having. It was the misspent words of me fighting an old fight, in the only manner I ever knew how to fight it. The moment that I felt like I didn't have any control, whether real or imagined, I fought as hard as I could to get it back.
The only problem was, this wasn't Smash on the other end of the conversation. This was someone who actually IS an adult. Someone who actually now thinks I'M not one.
and I can't blame him.
And I spent the entire day being horribly embarrassed for my behavior and wishing that the conversations had happened over cocktails i could blame them on. Nope. not so lucky. I can only blame me...
...But I blame Smash, for once again silently reaching in and fucking up something for me. Something good. He must have happiness radar or something.
In the end Buttercup said he needed time to think about what happened and that we'd talk when I get back from my business trip. Truthfully, I know there's a 90% chance I'll never hear from him again. I can't say I blame him. He's probably thinking "Dodged a bullet there with that crazy bitch."
But i'm not...i mean really, i'm not. My reality has, at times, been seriously crazy...but for all of it, I like to think i've held it together pretty well. Sometimes better than others.
I'm going to have to learn my jump points and where I start to loose it, so that I can see the warning signs of an impending collision and correct my steering. I need to learn to be an adult in a relationship...not a little girl fighting for relevancy. A woman building a relationship, not a woman begging for one.
Adulting...something I need to learn about a decade into being an adult.
Do they host remedial classes on the topic? If so, can a girl get a course guide?
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