Sometimes I mention to my friends how ridiculous and strange the texts that Smash sends me are. (and they are strange)...
and the first question they usually have is, "Why don't you have him blocked."
I have a long and drawn out answer for that...but it boils down too..."because I don't want too."
Which makes no sense to some people, but all the sense in the world to others. I suppose it boils down to how much you've been hurt in the relationship field of play.
When I first found out about the craigslist emails, I was understandably devastated. Our relationship WAS shitty, even without this new twist and I WAS unhappy...but part of me felt like I had fought so hard for this practicular brand of unhappiness, so in a way it became my cross to bear. I would tolerate and deal with the lies and cheating. I would put a bright face on his general lack of empathy towards me and I would smile through all the times that I felt devalued. No matter how many times I actually teared up during sex or cried myself to sleep because he was withholding affection or just plain being mean...I fought for this relationship, ignored all the people who thought differently...
I bet the house on wildcards...I shouldn't have been a surprise that a house of cards will blow over and leave a big mess in their wake.
At that point, I did have him blocked. Because I was too fragile to deal with his messages and too angry to process them.
and he started emailing me. And the emails were harder to take than a text message.
...slowly, we started to talk again in secret. Mostly about things about the house that we still shared a lease on...but over time, we started talking again. In a shaky, secretive way.
When that imploded, I blocked him again, because I did NOT want to talk to him.
...and then there was the day when he just showed up the house and I had to deal with him without any advance warning. He claimed to have texted me, which I did not get, naturally. Having him standing in my living room with no warning was a talespin, one I vowed to not have happen again. (Locks changed, thank you very much) If he's going to show up in my neighborhood...and means to tell me about it. I want to know. If only so I can barricade myself in my house.
Since then, I have left him unblocked.
There have been a few times when we have exchanged messages and truthfully, I have never seen him again.
But mostly, I receive the messages and ignore them. I learned, the hard way, that he is oddly turned on by my being rude to him via text messages, so it's best to ignore them.
In the year that has transpired since our relationship dissolved, I have worked very hard to change the variables of my life. I extracted myself from a painful work situation and found a much more rewarding one. I have spent time re-claiming all the friendships that I alienated either because I was too miserable from work or too miserable from Smash. I have spent time reclaiming the most important relationship- the one I have with myself.
And while this is all a work in progress, I look back at pictures of myself from a year ago around this time and compare them to recent pictures. Gone is the girl who's smile always looks a little bit forced. Missing from my own face is the vague look of someone who has given up and accepted their fate. It's somewhat astonishing to compare.
And I don't have Smash blocked on my phone. This is by choice. I want to know; need to know, that my not responding to Smash is a choice I'm making. A choice for me, a choice for my future and a choice for my own happiness. Ignorance may be bliss, but for my own evolution, I need to know that these are choices I am making and not my reaction to things that are happening to me.
These days I'll stack the deck with wildcards, but not build a house on it.
The only thing I'm betting on these days is me...and I'll bet the house on that.
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