And it's true. Life is a long race...and the leader changes. The main reason that one should not judge their successes and failures by the measure stick of others is because those variables can change. It's also true that within those changing variables is an unfinished story. You are only somewhat privy to another person's reality and therefore what standards they are holding themselves too. What injustices they feel, where they feel they measure up.
This is especially true for me sometimes as I look over my adult life and wonder "what might have been." Personally and professionally, I find myself wondering if I had made different choices, what options might have been presented too me? In my minds eye, I wish I had a "Choose Your Own Adventure" style book wherein I could just see what "might have been."
For instance: The night of the NCAA Final Game which IU was playing in back in 2002, what if I had gone to Bloomington as planned? What if I had not beaten my friends there and therefore not stolen a chair from a boy who turned out to be my ex-husband. Would we ever have met? Or would I have met someone else, possibly someone else more suited to the life I wanted to live.
Or: What if I had taken the job I was offered in Chicago when I was 22 and moved then? I know one part of it, I would have needed 6 roommates and a second job to keep it all together, but I wonder, what would have my career looked like then?
Or: What if my mother had appeased my bratty 22 year old self when, in a state of panic about leaving the country for an extended time by myself and being woefully unprepared, I stated that I was "Not going." What if she had actually cancelled my Eurail Pass and my plane ticket and I never went to Belgium?
Sometimes, I think the biggest bogey is, what if I had stayed married? As well chronicled in these pages regarding my husband leaving me, the fall out and the eventual put back together of that...I wonder, what would have happened if I had succumbed to his desire to be a "Stepford Wife", moved to my parents zip code and started popping out babies. It's long been my contention that at this point in my life, I'd be popping valium just to get through the day and probably have a significant drinking problem. (Touché) But maybe, not knowing the path my life *might* have taken, I would mistake suburban sprawl for actual happiness. Or maybe it would be actual happiness. I have no idea. But I do wonder what that life would have been like. Only for a moment and usually it stops as soon as I think about children crying.
And of course, what if, on that fall day in Raleigh, Nas had not pulled out of our show at the last minute and Smash's artist wasn't filling in...and if he was there...what if we all didn't go out that night.
...and if we all DID go out that night, what if I hadn't (in a decidedly saucy move) taken Smash's phone and programmed my number into it...telling him..."You'll want to have this..." What if I had just drank the beer he bought me (still shocking that he paid for it...) excused myself politely and went back to my hotel room and went to bed, as has been the plan.
What would the last 5 years of my life have looked life without the trainwreck roller coaster that was my relationship with Smash. Who might I have met instead? What might I have done? Where would my confidence be if I hadn't put myself in a position to allow someone else to dictate how I felt about myself?
But also, when I think about these things on a grander scale...and you almost have too...I think about all the things that I've learned through these situations. I have a working knowledge of the freight industry from my ex-husband which has proven very helpful over the years when things go missing. I know how to drive just about any truck and just about any truck in reverse from my years in production. I can read and execute a tech rider as well as set up all sorts of AV. I'm also really good at going to concerts.
Of course I have some great people in my life who would have never been there had my life not turned out the way it did...I can't imagine my life without ASC and her sister, Sher, Mols, B, SJ and the rest of the pack that I met solely because of people I was around and things I was doing. These people and a host of others, make up the fabric of me and they would be hard to trade.
And while I'm more than ready to call it quits on these "character building experiences." and ready to lead my own lap for awhile, I recognize that life is a series of little decisions and sometimes you do actually "have to get knocked down to get up." So possibly, by facing many of these struggles head on, I've built a sturdier leg to stand on, strong roots and more ability to face a storm.
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