a) this would get them out of my head and
b) this would get them out of my head.
both of these options would be fantastic.
I'm sitting typing this while finishing a workday and coming off a 12 day "yes-a-palooza"...which succeeded in my having a ton of fun and exhausting me. Mostly at the same time.
As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I had been dating someone. Also as I had mentioned, I succeeded in screwing things up with a fair amount of panache, which is generally my habit...in many ways, I live up to my family motto of "anything worth doing is worth overdoing."
I beat the crap out of myself for this for awhile...it was on my mind constantly. Thinking how if I had only zigged instead of zagged, held on to my emotions, not been possessed by old arguments...well, if I had done that, I would still be seeing Buttercup. Since dating Buttercup was pretty much a good time (and also, the sex was good) it seemed like a genuine loss.
Now, with as much time around it as I had in it...I can safely say...from where the sun now shines...
Dodged a bullet.
Yep that's right. I went crazy, contained myself and in the meantime realized that it was me who was dodging a bullet.
In general, I agree with my previously stated feelings that I should have controlled my emotions better and I could have...that's something I take with me to learn from.
But I also learned that someone who runs for cover at one clap of thunder, well, that can't be the person for me.
I suppose one would say I'm built for speed. I love hard. I love a little foolishly, but I'm caring and loyal to a fault.
I'm wear my heart on my sleeve and when your heart is located within easy reach of anyone, it can take a beating.
I love anyway. I live anyway.
I also realized that it wasn't me who was pressing things to move forward. I wanted them too, but I kept reassessing and asking questions. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop...waiting to return the position I am more familiar with, of being the option and not the choice. I also realized somewhere along the line that it felt nice to be the choice.
I also kept getting positive responses. I didn't make things up in my head. I was present and in the moment. I kept trying to pump the breaks while not seeming disinterested...
That can burn you. I learned that.
...it's good lessons learned...something to take forward and remember...the "fighting like an adult" thing...I'll keep learning, keep doing, keep on keeping on, keep on rocking in the free world...and in some respect I owe Buttercup a debit of gratitude for giving me a hands on lesson pretty quickly...for giving me a moment to come back to the next time I feel like I'm fighting for relevancy...
...to remember that I'm relevant. My feelings are relevant. My words are relevant, but that's where it ends. I can be angry, but it doesn't give me the right to be mean.
I can remember that my life is not scripted. If I want an answer, I need to ask the question. Not wait for the other person to say the right lines from a script they don't have. My life is not a rom-com. Rom-coms were written by huge teams of people and edited to perfection. Actors, costumes, scenery and lighting are chosen.
My life is not scripted.
I will remember this and that I cannot be upset for someone saying the right words, this is real life.
I take these things with me and think that it's lucky that I didn't spend much more time falling so hard for someone who would just let me down and leave me with my heart in my hands. I've had plenty of that. Someone who saw me at "my worst" and shut the door instead of looking past it to a solution...(to use one of my most overused "quotes" in "American single girl lingo": if you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best.)
(Officially, I realize we're "on a break". Except I don't know what that means. I didn't know this person in July...and while we had a great August, there really isn't anything to break from. I say my life is not a rom-com and Buttercup drops the most "Ross and Rachel" move of all time. But they had a history and something worth saving. I'm not sure why some "false hope" was offered. Maybe because he's a sensitive artist? Geez, thought I was done with that type!)
(Also, all these conversations took place via text message. Which, in all honestly, I think is annoying. We're FUCKING ADULTS. Grow a pair, ask me to meet for a drink and talk like adults...text message is for amusing repartee, sexting and trying to find each other in the middle of a crowded festival. Not for relationships...next time, I'm going to chronicle the whole thing on snapchat. Check my story, yo. I can be a Faux-dult as well)
-30-
I'm sitting typing this while finishing a workday and coming off a 12 day "yes-a-palooza"...which succeeded in my having a ton of fun and exhausting me. Mostly at the same time.
As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I had been dating someone. Also as I had mentioned, I succeeded in screwing things up with a fair amount of panache, which is generally my habit...in many ways, I live up to my family motto of "anything worth doing is worth overdoing."
I beat the crap out of myself for this for awhile...it was on my mind constantly. Thinking how if I had only zigged instead of zagged, held on to my emotions, not been possessed by old arguments...well, if I had done that, I would still be seeing Buttercup. Since dating Buttercup was pretty much a good time (and also, the sex was good) it seemed like a genuine loss.
Now, with as much time around it as I had in it...I can safely say...from where the sun now shines...
Dodged a bullet.
Yep that's right. I went crazy, contained myself and in the meantime realized that it was me who was dodging a bullet.
In general, I agree with my previously stated feelings that I should have controlled my emotions better and I could have...that's something I take with me to learn from.
But I also learned that someone who runs for cover at one clap of thunder, well, that can't be the person for me.
I suppose one would say I'm built for speed. I love hard. I love a little foolishly, but I'm caring and loyal to a fault.
I'm wear my heart on my sleeve and when your heart is located within easy reach of anyone, it can take a beating.
I love anyway. I live anyway.
I also realized that it wasn't me who was pressing things to move forward. I wanted them too, but I kept reassessing and asking questions. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop...waiting to return the position I am more familiar with, of being the option and not the choice. I also realized somewhere along the line that it felt nice to be the choice.
I also kept getting positive responses. I didn't make things up in my head. I was present and in the moment. I kept trying to pump the breaks while not seeming disinterested...
That can burn you. I learned that.
...it's good lessons learned...something to take forward and remember...the "fighting like an adult" thing...I'll keep learning, keep doing, keep on keeping on, keep on rocking in the free world...and in some respect I owe Buttercup a debit of gratitude for giving me a hands on lesson pretty quickly...for giving me a moment to come back to the next time I feel like I'm fighting for relevancy...
...to remember that I'm relevant. My feelings are relevant. My words are relevant, but that's where it ends. I can be angry, but it doesn't give me the right to be mean.
I can remember that my life is not scripted. If I want an answer, I need to ask the question. Not wait for the other person to say the right lines from a script they don't have. My life is not a rom-com. Rom-coms were written by huge teams of people and edited to perfection. Actors, costumes, scenery and lighting are chosen.
My life is not scripted.
I will remember this and that I cannot be upset for someone saying the right words, this is real life.
I take these things with me and think that it's lucky that I didn't spend much more time falling so hard for someone who would just let me down and leave me with my heart in my hands. I've had plenty of that. Someone who saw me at "my worst" and shut the door instead of looking past it to a solution...(to use one of my most overused "quotes" in "American single girl lingo": if you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best.)
(Officially, I realize we're "on a break". Except I don't know what that means. I didn't know this person in July...and while we had a great August, there really isn't anything to break from. I say my life is not a rom-com and Buttercup drops the most "Ross and Rachel" move of all time. But they had a history and something worth saving. I'm not sure why some "false hope" was offered. Maybe because he's a sensitive artist? Geez, thought I was done with that type!)
(Also, all these conversations took place via text message. Which, in all honestly, I think is annoying. We're FUCKING ADULTS. Grow a pair, ask me to meet for a drink and talk like adults...text message is for amusing repartee, sexting and trying to find each other in the middle of a crowded festival. Not for relationships...next time, I'm going to chronicle the whole thing on snapchat. Check my story, yo. I can be a Faux-dult as well)
-30-
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