i've been lost in a fog of "me"...selfishly letting the world, or at least my world, revolve around me.
i've read and said the statement "be kind, for everyone is facing a battle" hundreds of times and think, in my life, i've tried to do the best to i can live by this.
tonight, while i have been contemplating certain levels of misery or how things have tabled out or how I don't feel as horrible or miserable...i realized...i've been so lost in my own battle...and my friend, my dear sweet, slightly insane friend, is fighting a battle so difficult that if i was in her shoes i don't think i'd even realize there WAS a sun...much less light to stand in.
I have only been to her hometown three times in my life. Once to attend her wedding and two other times to attend the funerals of both of her parents. Attending her father's funeral was a first for our crew. The first time the troops had rallied and the wagons had circled to attend one of our parents funerals.
As a group, we did not attend another one until 9 months ago, when her mother went from "somethings wrong with my mom" to "it's not good" to an email from one friend letting the rest of us know that her mom had passed away. It was 9 months ago, the middle of winter and the troops circled again, to drive across a snowy tundra to be together.
Last week we got a message, her brother, who has been been paralyzed from the waist down since a car accident a few years after her dad's death, was found unresponsive and is on life support. As we got the news, she and her sister were boarding a plane to sunny California, to deal with some decidedly un-sunny things. As I write this, he's still unresponsive, on life support and have just gotten the news that they believe there is permanent brain damage...but they don't know because he's still un-reactive.
but see, i've been living in this fog, where my own hurt is the greatest, where each day i assess how i'm feeling and what i think i can handle. and nothing is happening to me. i'm going to live, i'm going to be fine. I might cry or get melancholy when i hear certain songs...but the world, the world will spin madly on and over time, my heart will heal. I'll love again, i'll hurt again...
My tragedy feels very small. Not quite 9 months ago, my friend buried her mother. Tonight she is sitting at her brother's bedside and not knowing what will happen or if anything will happen.
People, teenagers and angst ridden 20-sometimes bemoan that life is unfair. And they are correct, it's not. How can one family loose their father, find a new normal...loose their mother and still be in the process of finding a new normal, only to find that normal is further off than they could even imagine?
I feel small and selfish. The world is spinning madly on and I can't do anything but think and pray for my friend...and even then, my own misery, my own uncertainly is larger on my mind than the uncertainty she is facing. My life will right itself and go back to normal. Her "normal" is going to be all new.
It is said, tritely, that God only gives one the things they can handle. I know this to be true. I also know, for all her unique brand of crazy, there is no person more loyal and loving than able to cope than my friend. They will survive to find whatever new normal is facing them and they will do it with love and laughter. Because that's who they are.
But tonight, I find myself wishing I was less like me and more like her...selfless and strong and able to find the sunshine on the darkest days.
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