...when the words won't come

Lately, when I had sat down to try to write...I stare at a blank screen and muse what I should write or what I could write. The millions of half thoughts going around in my head that really should be committed to written word...and thereby worked out in my head...

Recently, I've felt more and more like my head is a jumble of words and thoughts that won't come out. No matter how many times my writing mentors tell me just to dump the words in my head into sentences and paragraphs, it seems like an overwhelming and exhausting task. Although, admittedly, no more exhausting or overwhelming then linking thoughts in my head over and over in the middle of the night when I can't sleep. 

Action begets action, but to quote Bunny Berrigan, I can't get started. 

I write, 160 character statements, pithy Facebook status and an above par email or two. I write, a card to a friend or a short note...

But I can't just write. I can't find the words or the words can't find me. I'm not sure which side of the problem I'm actually coming down on here. Not certain which part of the story is the problem...but my narrative is off...

But thoughts fly around in my head bouncing off the insides of my skull. Presumably this is what keeps me up at night. Also presumably, the fact that most of these thoughts are in my head and not out, on paper where I can be accountable to them is what's giving me the perpetual feeling of unrest I've been feeling lately. 

Here are a few things I'm thinking about.

1) I'm bored. Not bored in my work or bored with my spot in life. Just bored. It's causing me to make poor decisions. That's frustrating to me. It's causing me to care about shit I don't care about it. I'm not sure how to change it. 

2)I'm in my own head a lot. Too much, actually. The other night Emcee coerced me into meeting her out in the virtual middle of the night, which I did solely because I realized how much I'd been in my own head and how much I needed out of it. It worked...sort of. I need to do more of it. 

3) The end of year assessment of the year is not my fondest one. This year has been rough on a girl. It seems as though it will end on a high note...but it hasn't been the easiest year I've been alive...it's been a year of real transition and while I welcome the transition...certain things are charging ahead and certain things are stalled which makes me un-easy, overall. I'm not trying to undermine my days in the sun this year...but there has been some pretty significant shade as well. All and all...2015 is a year of much change and much transition, a lot of tears, a lot of up all nights worrying. 

4) But it wasn't all bad. I started living this year and I'm getting the hang of it. I'm trying to set up for 2016 to charge on at a full and happy speed. For areas of my life to catch up with each other and for their to be more sunny side up...Am I laying the groundwork or just getting worked over...time will tell. 

But words...they are not flowing. I have loads of thoughts of things I want to write about...and a blank screen for all my efforts. I need to work on that. 

However, the process of writing is soothing, the process of typing my thoughts is calming. Although the pre-prep is fucking exhausting. For my own sanity, I need to worry less about the product and more about the process. Worry less if it's "the best thing I've written" and more on if I've written at all. 

So that is what I'll expect from myself right now. More stream of consciousness  writing, less cohesive thoughts on a topic. Less humor and wit...more just fucking writing. 

Remind myself that it's a blog, not the Pulitzer. It's my sanity and nothing more.