My staff can attest to this: for the past few weeks I've been listening to what can only be described as "A-LOT" of angry rap. They know this either because they hear me when I pull into the garage or by overhearing me reciting it...
...there was an entire hour last week in which I only responded to people with Wu Tang lyrics...
I've been connecting with the "angry"rappers on a more advanced level and admitted to my best friends: I am beginning to feel that Mystikal and I are presently communicating on a higher level. They responded with laughter...but they know me...and they've put up with more than enough of my genre-bending escapades than is really fair. They, especially Nads, know my penchant for listening to the SAME SONG OVER AND OVER AND OVER again. Until their ears bleed. Until I have unabashedly driven them mad. Until, if you were Nads, you might have thrown my single version of "I'll Be" out of the window of Jenk 3... (after just a few or maybe five days of it being on repeat)... But, ah-hem, she was not accounting for that I also had downloaded it off Napster a few days prior. (Alas, I age myself.)
Generally, music is what gets me. It's what finds me at the right time with the right message. With everything going on now...I've been varying wildly from tragic love songs to fighting anthems. Accent on the fighting anthems.
I realize that what Wu Tang, PE and Nas and I are all fighting for are very different things. Make no mistake...I'm at peace with my sorority girl-ness. I make VERY good bubble letters. I understand that HOVA's and my version of "the game" are very different things...
but on some level...are they really?
aren't we all just fighting, clawing, gasping...looking for some respect?
While it's true that most of my childhood was painted by Norman Rockwell...and that's a stark difference from the Rugged Lands of Shaolin...and the only "projects" I was a part of as a child were of the "arts and crafts" variety...it's a fact that the things I've "wanted" for in my life fall less into the "needs" category and more into the "wants" category...i haven't gone without...i haven't suffered...
...In reality...i'm basically one of those suburban white kids who learned every single word with "Ain't Nuthin But a G thing" long before she actually knew what a "G" was. I'm the kiddo that started listening to Public Enemy because Flavor Flav and his giant clocks were a good gimmick...initially missing most of Chuck D and Professor Griff were so.damn.angry.about.
And I'm not stating in the slightest that my struggles have been on par with the struggles faced by any of my favorite rappers.
What I am stating is...to me...they have been every bit as real.
So lately, as I listen to Wu...or bump some Nas on my way home...i'm thinking "the struggle is real" because to me...the struggle has been real. I've been waking up every morning, struggling to figure out how I am going to get through my day. Trying to figure out how I'm going to make myself seem like a rational, literal adult.
How I can behave in a manner that does not reveal the hurt, anger, resentment, humiliation, pain and tragedy...which have been all too real in my life...how can I keep those feelings in check...I need an outlet...
I'm trying to change the game...not let the game change me...
...and sometimes that can't be done nicely and with bubble letters. Sometimes that can only be done by pure, unadulterated rage.
So I connect with these songs on that level. On the rage level. On the need for respect level. On the "you won't give me respect so i'll take it" level. I feel every raw emotion most of these songs are putting out...the very visceral need for a reaction. In lieu of that, the very visceral need to create a reaction. To go out and take what should be yours and damn the consequences.
Tiger-style...we've got to fight the powers that be.
All though, we all have to admit that the "powers that be" are different for each of us.
Maybe all Nas needed was one mic, but what I need is one keyboard. One chance to tell my own story. One chance to bring my own ruckus.
To be "meaner, badder, stronger and more ferocious."
Cause sometimes you gotta get knocked down to get up.
So (yo) bum rush the show...you've gotta go with what you know.
Because much like my brothers in Shaolin, I ain't nuthin to fuck with.
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