a fall night in the mid-60's...my world started.
incredible, considering i was born at the tail end of the carter administration. in 1978.
but my world started in the mid 60's in Delware, OH...because my dad pledged a fraternity...that night..in a tiny bar with long faux leather booths at age 18 with 3/2 beer breath...my father met my uncle.
my uncle, the older bother of my mother.
my mother who would meet my father several years later and initially under the guise of "her brother's friend"
...and thus...I'm here.
i have never taken into consideration that much of the best parts of me are easily attributable to games of chance...a spin of the wheel...a roll of the dice...
much of my life could me summed up by "meant to be."
my dad mentioned that in his speech at my sisters wedding (note: still not as awesome as quoting dickens and belushi within 2 minutes)...actually...it still makes me tear up.
my world is "meant to be"
...and im a control freak.
i have an extreme dislike for not knowing what's coming next. it's something i try to work with...but truthfully, letting things be "meant to be" is one of the most terrifying things I can think of.
it's not that I don't 86-thousand examples just in the immediate forefront of my life that serve as a reminder that "letting it happen" is always a viable choice.
i just can't for the life of me just let it happen.
perhaps this self preservation..."letting it go" has lead to some very uncomfortable moments in my life and i know that trying to control everything is like trying to stop a river...but that doesn't stop me from wanting to try.
i want to know everything. what people are thinking, what they are doing...in another life i must have been a detective because i'm very good at figuring things out. give me a Boolean search and some time to waste, i can turn up all sorts of info. I can put two and two together with alarming accuracy.
truthfully...i just really don't like surprises.
the not knowing kills me.
i realize that this is limited. by knowing everything you leave out the chance for something wonderful...
...you just have the opportunity to also limit your exposure.
this is not a new thing, i've been like this my entire life. i remember searching for context clues regarding my christmas presents...what tools were out on my dad's work bench, what sized boxes my mom was grabbing at the store. my parents were on to me too...they started trying to outsmart me. sometimes they did too...because it's not too complicated to outsmart a 9 year old...no matter how much Nancy Drew she is reading.
It all went downhill when my ex-husband provided me the surprise of a lifetime and served me divorce papers on a night when I was expecting to come home, have dinner and take a shower. He's one of the few people who have completely surprised me and caught me completely in left field.
...not exactly a badge of honor.
but it solidified my need to not be surprised again and possibly made me into a crazy person. I'm perpetually waiting for the other shoe to fall. sometimes to the point where I completely miss the good in life and forget to stop and smell the roses because i'm obsessed with what comes next.
"Sure" i think "things are good now...but what happens next. what happens then?"
I've lost a lot of life not being able to deal with surprise, by being wrapped up in the next and missing the now. I struggle with it daily. I want to know everything. It makes me paranoid as all hell. As. all. hell. It also puts me in an unusual situation when I generally know more than I should and it's generally not good news.
Face it. No one preforms a boolean search and finds out that you saved orphans from a burning fire. Well, at least I never have. Found pictures of my ex's junk sent to other girls and memberships to porn websites...check. Discovered that someone I thought was wonderful was a felon? Did that too. I have discovered, by accident or by forced accident that there's a lot to discover.
and sometimes, it's really fucking painful.
But then I can prepare. I can prepare for what I am going to say when the situation presents itself. I'm a cryer. I cry at Hallmark commercials. Sometimes knowing allows me the opportunity to prepare myself for how to handle something...and when it does happen, I've already practiced how to respond...and have the potential to do it without a meltdown.
...er...sometimes.
So while I know the best course of action is to teach myself to accept the unknown...the person that I am is to scared to do it. What if something else bad happens. what if i'm not prepared, again? Do I melt in the middle of the street again and watch my husbands tailights until they disappear? That's where not knowing left me.
I am afraid to not know and terrified to know.
It's the ultimate paradox.
i have an extreme dislike for not knowing what's coming next. it's something i try to work with...but truthfully, letting things be "meant to be" is one of the most terrifying things I can think of.
it's not that I don't 86-thousand examples just in the immediate forefront of my life that serve as a reminder that "letting it happen" is always a viable choice.
i just can't for the life of me just let it happen.
perhaps this self preservation..."letting it go" has lead to some very uncomfortable moments in my life and i know that trying to control everything is like trying to stop a river...but that doesn't stop me from wanting to try.
i want to know everything. what people are thinking, what they are doing...in another life i must have been a detective because i'm very good at figuring things out. give me a Boolean search and some time to waste, i can turn up all sorts of info. I can put two and two together with alarming accuracy.
truthfully...i just really don't like surprises.
the not knowing kills me.
i realize that this is limited. by knowing everything you leave out the chance for something wonderful...
...you just have the opportunity to also limit your exposure.
this is not a new thing, i've been like this my entire life. i remember searching for context clues regarding my christmas presents...what tools were out on my dad's work bench, what sized boxes my mom was grabbing at the store. my parents were on to me too...they started trying to outsmart me. sometimes they did too...because it's not too complicated to outsmart a 9 year old...no matter how much Nancy Drew she is reading.
It all went downhill when my ex-husband provided me the surprise of a lifetime and served me divorce papers on a night when I was expecting to come home, have dinner and take a shower. He's one of the few people who have completely surprised me and caught me completely in left field.
...not exactly a badge of honor.
but it solidified my need to not be surprised again and possibly made me into a crazy person. I'm perpetually waiting for the other shoe to fall. sometimes to the point where I completely miss the good in life and forget to stop and smell the roses because i'm obsessed with what comes next.
"Sure" i think "things are good now...but what happens next. what happens then?"
I've lost a lot of life not being able to deal with surprise, by being wrapped up in the next and missing the now. I struggle with it daily. I want to know everything. It makes me paranoid as all hell. As. all. hell. It also puts me in an unusual situation when I generally know more than I should and it's generally not good news.
Face it. No one preforms a boolean search and finds out that you saved orphans from a burning fire. Well, at least I never have. Found pictures of my ex's junk sent to other girls and memberships to porn websites...check. Discovered that someone I thought was wonderful was a felon? Did that too. I have discovered, by accident or by forced accident that there's a lot to discover.
and sometimes, it's really fucking painful.
But then I can prepare. I can prepare for what I am going to say when the situation presents itself. I'm a cryer. I cry at Hallmark commercials. Sometimes knowing allows me the opportunity to prepare myself for how to handle something...and when it does happen, I've already practiced how to respond...and have the potential to do it without a meltdown.
...er...sometimes.
So while I know the best course of action is to teach myself to accept the unknown...the person that I am is to scared to do it. What if something else bad happens. what if i'm not prepared, again? Do I melt in the middle of the street again and watch my husbands tailights until they disappear? That's where not knowing left me.
I am afraid to not know and terrified to know.
It's the ultimate paradox.
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