i've felt pretty helpless lately.personally, well, i've gone on and on and on and on about that. i can't stop thinking about the topic...but the topic also exhausts me. spent a good deal of time in conversation with smash today, which was odd...to say the very least. he went to great lengths to tell me how little the Region Rat means to him while summarily stating that it was "none of my business" (which it's not, honestly)...but the notes from the conversation were enlightening...in a tragic and sad sort of way.
professionally I'm on a rope swing between mountains and the best that i can do is hold on and keep breathing. i will try to work harder but i am not sure it's possible...and i'll try to untangle this mindfuck of authority that has me terrified to do anything and terrified not too. going into meetings is frightening, half of what she says are half truths and complete untruths...but trying to point that out results in more abuse. and more threats. i have notes from meetings regarding things i should be doing and three weeks later have notes stating the exact opposite. i am not sure what has caused this ire...but if i could change it...i would. if it was something i could apologize for...i would...in a heartbeat. anything to stop this drowning feeling i have when i go to work, at a job i actually love, for a company i adore...and get beaten down and chipped away...
...and then to have the same thing happening to me personally...
it's a miracle i'm not off the ledge yet.
This is not the first time he did this and you are not the first person he did this (nearly exact thing) to. If that makes you feel better, please take that. You will be SO much better in the long run, I promise. Don't listen to the BS.
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