This won't be the blow that kills me.

My New Years Resolution (if you believe in that sort of thing) is to blog once a week. By my own metric, I'm a week behind.

It's not that I don't think of things that I'd like to type out...or make notes and repeat them in my head over and over again...it's that when I get home and try to type...the careful thoughts I have fly out the window and I stare at a blank screen...and I'm powerless.

Smash and I had been getting along for a pretty solid 4 months or so. It was horrible. I've felt like I was lying to everyone and my mother...truthfully, it all started because I didn't want the drama...but in the middle, somehow it managed to create more drama.

Life is funny that way.

At press time, it's been a long...long emotional day. I'll save that for another post...since I'm already behind and need to catch up.

I'm going to fall asleep and it will be fitful...full of colorful dreams that won't go away and I'm sure I'll wake up sweating. I'm so certain of this fact i've decided to hold off on my shower until the morning, to save time. I'm also certain that I'm going to wake up feeling no more rested, no less sad and so more in control of my inner and out life than I do at this point.

So why bother sleeping

Simply put? My staff deserves me to sleep tonight, to not be a complete basket case when I get to the hotel. The deserve my emotions to be as in check as I can make them.

I might cry tomorrow, but I'll make it through the day...and then another and another and another.

This won't be the blow that kills me.