i knew...because i knew...

i knew.

He wasn't answering my texts and i hadn't heard back from a legit question.

I knew he was there.

My intuition did not disappoint me...neither did the white pages, which quickly provided the address of where i needed to go.

I'm not sure what I went to see or furthermore, why at 5 am, i was convinced that I needed to go see it.

Strangely, I knew she'd be trouble for me. She looked the part. I'm not certain I know what "the part" is, but I knew she was it. She'd cause havoc in my life.

But I knew.

It was this knowledge that brought me to 90/94 at dawn, piloting myself towards something i didn't want to see, but knew i had to see.

Strangely, I didn't feel the anxious/out breath feeling i've felt before when these things have happened with Smash. It's sadly, not the first time or the second that I've caught him in lies you could walk through. (And if I was reflecting on myself right now, I'd probably have to ask myself what sort of moron I AM for accepting this. You teach people how to treat you and in so many ways, i taught him i was a doormat, but I'm not...thats for another day)

What I don't want to admit is that we had an agreement. We've had one for the past few months. Because i'm weak, because i'm a doormat, because given the choice of being vulnerable to someone new or hurting myself with something familiar, i chose the familiar. But we had an agreement..

As the sun is rising, I'm bolting across stretches of highway, with a dozen eggs sitting shotgun. I'm not sure what I was planning on doing with the eggs. But i rationalized that i needed to toss them either way and I was giving myself options.

Soon I was pulling off on a familiar exit (at this point, every exit on 65 is somewhat familiar) a series of turns later, there it was, in her driveway.

His car. Agreement violated. I can't say I was surprised. Humiliated (again) Sad (again) but I can't say surprised.

I sat there, while the sun rose, with my dozen eggs, tears streaming down my face Big, fat, ugly tears. Staring at his car, in the driveway of a girl who, by his own words was a "tramp" whom "he didn't know that well, but seemed slutty" I knew she was of questionable morals, I have friends from the town where she lives. Also, because I had seen the "videos" she had sent to Smash. Videos that someone who works with children should not be making, videos that make me want to teach every little girl in the world why sexting is a bad idea.

but i had no idea what to do.

The neighbor, who came out to see if i was okay (Hoosier hospitality for you) told me to park in her driveway and explained how this was not the first time she'd seen a car pull up in the morning and that it seemed the cars in the driveway were different every night. I wasn't exactly sure what to make of that information. But a little old lady walking down the street with a dog said basically the same thing. I suppose that means something.

but figured that, for the second time this year, i'd need to get myself tested.

but there i sat, palming one of the eggs...with the radio on. The words went wooshing by my ears.

and then he was walking to the car.

and boy, was he surprised by my greeting.

Smash did what he always does...which is attempt to deny everything. however, as we were standing in the driveway of another woman, the evidence was on my side. He was furious, he was embarrassed, he was likely terrified that she was going to hear my words, which were damning.

words were exchanged, tears were shed.

in the end, i followed him back out of indiana, we drove together, covering the miles that would separate us. I listened to the same song over and over and over again, while new tears covered old tears and created a sticky mess on my cheeks.

I looked at the car i've driven so many miles, in several different states. I thought about the trips we took when smash still lived in california and other places we went together.

I thought about how horrible i felt right now.

i thought about that my time with this in my life needed to be over. It's needed to be over, it was over. someone put another dime in the juke and it roared back to life. someone should have unplugged it.

we came up to the turnoff for me to return to the city and him to his parents house (another story for another time) and i switched lanes. I looked over at him while he cut down the highway, from the turnoff i watched his rooftop as it faded over the horizon.

I cried, for what? for what i lost? i never had it.

for what might have been? more pain?

i cried as the skyline grew larger in front of me and sweet home chicago welcomed me. i cried as i thought that my entire life had changed from a highway.

i pulled into my garage and finally threw the eggs away.

sweet home chicago.