mostly...i'm totally pissed at myself because I believed what I knew wasn't true.
mostly...i'm mad at me because the worst had already happened...i was already healing...i was already better...
it wasn't about "getting back together" that was never going to happen. I could never tell my mother, my sister, my best friends or really ANYONE that Smash and I were spending time together again. That we were sleeping together again.
Because sleeping with someone whom you ALREADY know solicits transvestites on Craigslist, that you've already seen through one drug problem, who you already know is a porn addict...someone who has already betrayed your trust and cheated and lied...
well, sleeping with that person again would be idiotic...right?
because, in case you missed the memo, it is.
but then you're there and he's just picked you up from the airport and tells you how great you look...or he shows up at your house with exactly what you need, exactly when you need it...or he sends you flowers on an otherwise dismal birthday...
and you forget...
or not really forget...because you can't forget. You can't erase the pictures in your head...but you start to downplay, to rationalize...
you start to make it all make sense.
he's saying the right things and doing the right things and calling you from the other side of the world to tell you how much he misses you. you know it's bullshit..he's never missed one thing a day in his life...but maybe you're dealing with a difficult situation in another area of life.
and he is familiar. his movements are engrained in your memory. without thinking, you can trace the outline of his form on the other side of the bed and when you roll over, you know exactly where he is and exactly what it feels like when he reaches for your hand in his sleep.
in your head, you know all the "i love yous and i miss you's" are bullshit. you know, because you've heard them. it didn't stop him from the girl in texas, the porn websites, the austrialian girl, the craigslists ads or any of the other times you've discovered, much to your embarrassment; that the love of your life...loves himself more than he could ever love you.
and there you are saying yes, but meaning no. saying go and meaning stop. echoing his sentiments although you know you are the only one in the conversation not lying...
you're not dumb enough to believe it, but not strong enough not too.
you're foolish.
foolish girls end up sad girls...you've been sad a lot.
a lot at his hands.
but you forgot...
it wasn't about "getting back together" that was never going to happen. I could never tell my mother, my sister, my best friends or really ANYONE that Smash and I were spending time together again. That we were sleeping together again.
Because sleeping with someone whom you ALREADY know solicits transvestites on Craigslist, that you've already seen through one drug problem, who you already know is a porn addict...someone who has already betrayed your trust and cheated and lied...
well, sleeping with that person again would be idiotic...right?
because, in case you missed the memo, it is.
but then you're there and he's just picked you up from the airport and tells you how great you look...or he shows up at your house with exactly what you need, exactly when you need it...or he sends you flowers on an otherwise dismal birthday...
and you forget...
or not really forget...because you can't forget. You can't erase the pictures in your head...but you start to downplay, to rationalize...
you start to make it all make sense.
he's saying the right things and doing the right things and calling you from the other side of the world to tell you how much he misses you. you know it's bullshit..he's never missed one thing a day in his life...but maybe you're dealing with a difficult situation in another area of life.
and he is familiar. his movements are engrained in your memory. without thinking, you can trace the outline of his form on the other side of the bed and when you roll over, you know exactly where he is and exactly what it feels like when he reaches for your hand in his sleep.
in your head, you know all the "i love yous and i miss you's" are bullshit. you know, because you've heard them. it didn't stop him from the girl in texas, the porn websites, the austrialian girl, the craigslists ads or any of the other times you've discovered, much to your embarrassment; that the love of your life...loves himself more than he could ever love you.
and there you are saying yes, but meaning no. saying go and meaning stop. echoing his sentiments although you know you are the only one in the conversation not lying...
you're not dumb enough to believe it, but not strong enough not too.
you're foolish.
foolish girls end up sad girls...you've been sad a lot.
a lot at his hands.
but you forgot...
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