requiem for an idiot.

my mother describes it as "open-kimono" and thus, throughout my life, i have adopted that phrase.

what this means is...i have very few secrets. know me...know my life. the good, the bad, the stupid...i probably have admitted my flaws to people who should know nothing about them...i am at times just one big ball of TMI...and it's something i think about. 

the only secret i managed to keep over the past few months is that smash and i were spending so much time together. that we texted almost non-stop, no matter what hemisphere he was in. that he was my confidant in everything that was going on with me professionally. 

...oh and that we were sleeping together again...managed to leave that part out of conversations as well. 

as my mother and every other mother in the world has said "if something has to be a secret, then it's not something you should be involved with." mothers of the world...you are correct. (side note: i find, annoyingly so...that my mother was right with alarming accuracy...like 99% of the shit she told me growing up turns out to be true...which is TOTALLY annoying. but then again, i was raised by probably one of the best women in the world...she rocks motherhood like a hurricane, so it's not surprising that she'd be right)

the hard part is where i am now...in order to heal the wound in my heart i really need to talk about it with those that matter to me. 

the really hard part is that i sort of have to "catch them up" and then deal with their shock and anger at me that i let this all happen in the first place. 

i told B and Emcee MC recently. they are very non-judgy, put a plan in place...here's a rope let's get pull you out of the hole sort of friends...The Sly Kitten is like that too. now goes the painful process in which i tell my mother, sister and the rest of the world that i'm not as smart as i pretend to be and that i was, very much, hiding things from them that i should not have been.
Emcee MC took it in stride and never missed a beat. If I was surprising her, she wasn't letting on...and i could just be what i was when called her...Hurt. Sad. Upset. Vindictive...Emcee MC is full of good advice and she's the first one to admit that she has a hard time taking her own advice. On the phone...she let me throw it all out there and then pulled me back in...

The Sly Kitten is, well, The Sly Kitten will just never judge me. Possibly spending 36 hours a day together while we were young and living in Bruxelles... probably because that is just the sort of person she is...the night my husband left me and i went running away, trying to be anywhere but my own home...it was Kitten that i called. At 26 years old, she was the one person i could think of that would just be there...simply by being there. no advice, no words of wisdom...just there. She is the closest thing I've ever experience to completely unconditional friendship. We can not talk for 5 years and have not talked for 5 years, but in those moments, when I needed her...The Sly Kitten will be there there...with a drink...a hug...a weapon...an alibi...whatever it takes. 

B was disappointed in me and he didn't mince his words. he did, however, tell me what i needed to hear...and his words hold some weight, since we've gone back and forth at pulling each other out of holes in recent memory. he might have been just as disappointed that i kept the secret in the first place...because i'm just NOT a secret keeper. 

he said he had his suspicions when i told him i was at smash's show and mentioned that i'd been over at a hotel that is not in the chain that i work for. he's a smart one, that B...he put 2+2 together and figured out that i'd been over at the hotel with smash. he chided me for being at the show...asked what i was doing at the hotel...and he knows me well enough to know when i'm skipping over key details. dammit. 

i brushed it all off...to anyone that asked i said that i couldn't bring myself to spend so many months that we were still sharing a lease in acrimony and that our friendship was purely an offshoot of that...

...and that's truly where it started...how it wound back around to us being the essentially back in the same relationship we had been in...well...that part sort of got away from me. 

it wasn't intentional...i tried to explain to b. i didn't tell people because i didn't want to hear about it...because i knew that it was bad news. 

familiarity really killed me here...that and overall weakness. and love. i can't forget love...because love brought me here and love landed me here and love is probably the only thing that is going to keep me sane as i walk away. 

not the love of smash...which proved to be as useless as i always knew it would be...but the love of my friends and family...who are all about to be pissed and disappointed in me right now...

there is a certain amount of humility coming with this. admitting that i let someone horrible back in my life and that it took, again, a brilliant explosion of color and pain to re-focus everything. to learn again what i already knew...

it's the 26th of january and a month ago i had just opened $300 headphones, a christmas gift from smash. i was talking to him from the other side of the world...while he told me he couldn't wait to get home and see my new car...we were talking about movies we wanted to watch and things we wanted to do. 

Three weeks ago I was picking him up at the airport, fresh from Australia. In a snowstorm we tried out my 4 wheel drive. We went out to dinner and we woke up at 5 am and ate "breakfast nachos". We did normal stuff...

...is it any wonder i got confused?

...i'm learning to live again...and it's killing me. 

but in the sweet words of B...who took my trespasses in the stride i would expect..."i'm here and you can count on that. i'm probably the only person you know who answers their phone at 4 am...and i don't care if you're crying...or yelling...or just whispering. hell, you don't even have to talk...just stop isolating yourself..."

"and go pour a whiskey or something...you need a drink."

so i'll have to own my own downfall and approach this with grace...keep moving...keep dancing...

and stop keeping secrets.