say something, i'm giving up on you...

i'm really stubborn.

this is not conjecture.  It has been well documented over the years that I can (and will) make a mule look agreeable. It's a blessing and a curse.

and to answer your question, there is no correlation between being stubborn and actually getting ones way...being incredibly stubborn is actually only truly useful if you're doing something somewhat meaningless, like putting together a 1000 piece puzzle. On a day to day basis, I'd give my stubborn flair a 4 for it's overall helpfulness in my life.

i also happen to place a lot of faith in universal signs. While I can also generally prove that my stubborn flair injects itself and i have been caught ignoring very obvious signs...I can also say i take moments when the universe hands you the clue phone very very seriously.

which brings me to the moment i was pulling off the exit on my home from my Region Rat Rendezvous. At the exact moment that i tripped up my bluetooth and my streaming spotify, the song "Say something" began on a local radio station.

i never listen to radio.

But in that exact moment, the universe sent me a very clear sign to forgo all attempts to be stubborn, slice my pride...and...give up.

The sentiment of giving up is powerful. We are programmed to "never give up". It's preached to us in elementary math classes and high school soccer games. To work harder, to work smarter. If at first you don't succeed, try try again.

To give up, to say "there is no more 'try' here. there is nothing more to explore, no more opportunity."

It's earth shatteringly humbling. Akin to be cut off at the knees and then asked to run a marathon.

But to give up on a person. To stand, with your feet in the snow, and realize that you are not just giving up on an idea, but an entire person. To stand there, in the cold but not cold, staring into the blue eyes of someone whom you've fallen for so many times it's physically painful and to look for imperfection. Watching his lips form words i knew were lies, but to still be vaguely fascinated at watching them form.

Grasping at straws while i look at the dimple in his chin, the scars left from his old eyebrow ring.

Staring at cowlicks that no product in the world could tame and to think in my head about where HE was last night, who's hand he was reaching for in his sleep. I thought of the mole on his back i'd been begging him to get checked out and all the words i wanted to say...

To realize for all that...the only option truly is...to give up on an entire person.

It's tragic.

To quote the song, I AM sorry i couldn't get to Smash. I am sorry that I could not be enough. That craigslist and backpages and slutty girls from the region were and are still a necessary part of his life.

There is so much regret there, so much humility...to admit to the world it was all over your head. That  no matter how hard you paddled, your canoe was just never going to reach the shore. You would forever be treading water and slowly sinking.

I'm giving up on you. I'm giving up. I'm the most stubborn person I know and i'm giving up.

I'm the person who stood with you, under the hood of the jeep, changing a car battery with a metric socket set, pliers and a crescent wrench. No matter how many times you attempted to walk back inside the shop, return the socket wrenches and tell me that it couldn't be done...i insisted it could be done. and it was done. we argued like two wet cats under the hood of the car, but we teamed up and we later we drove off in the jeep with a new battery, installed completely with tools that should never have worked.

it was me who wrestled a Marshall half stack down a full flight of steps, got it into the car and to Chicago Fretworks to get it fixed for you one Christmas...even when i should have given up on that project purely because it was actually stupid, i didn't give up...and on the night of my birthday, you serenaded me with your newly fixed amp.

For all the times that i was stubborn enough to make things work and stupid enough to swallow my pride...now...i'm finding it necessary to be humble enough to just give up. To throw in the towel...

to not just give up on you as a boyfriend and as a friend...but to literally give up on you...you as a person. To give up on anything positive you have done or will do and relinquish all hope of who you could be...to walk away from the past 5 years of my life as a giant lesson in learning to love and a point by point rationale as to why i should trust myself, my gut, my insticts.

You're the one that i loved...and i'm saying goodbye.

I'm giving up on you.