a breakup: in pieces...

the first sign that my relationship was over was when my boyfriend told me that it was. The second sign was when I discovered that he had been soliciting encounters with she-males via Craigslist.

From there it was a rapid unfolding few days in which I learned a lot,  cried a lot, discovered a lot, cleaned a lot...and figured out that the life I was aiming for, the life that I thought I was living, well, that life didn't technically exist.

From the web research I completed with shaky hands, I have been able to ascertain that Smash has an addiction to porn. I think I might have already realized this, but as I read and read and read (sometimes taking a break to cry or vomit or find a fresh bottle of wine) I felt like I was reading the notes from our entire physical relationship. From his lack of interest in foreplay to his desire to only have sex "doggystyle" to his continually frustrating lack of concern about my orgasm. It was all there, black and white, clear as crystal. Smash, for all his good points and great characteristics, has developed a porn addiction that has grown into a fetish and leaves him unable to have or appreciate a normal physical relationship.

Truthfully, i knew this a long time ago, even before i started watching porn on my own so that i would have better words to talk dirty with or learn better tricks. I knew it when he didn't notice the times I tried to dress up for him or when he couldn't finish while we were having sex. (Erectile Dysfunction is also a large part of porn addiction, as i learned) I learned when I helped itemize his bank statements from the year he was getting audited and discovered a large number of phone calls to porn lines. In my heart, I learned it the night we met, when at 4 am, i discovered him masterbating with one arm around my (complete dressed, but completely asleep) shoulder.

There were so many signs that his addiction was literally going to "screw" our relationship and so many signs that my reality was not what i thought it was.

I have no idea why I moved forward with my eyes wide shut...i only know that i did.

My heart is broken, not for what I actually lost, but really, for the dream that never actually existed...or only existed in the alternate reality i built for myself. The real story, the one where I never felt good enough and always felt like a piece of ass, that's the one I'm telling now.

...soooo...once upon a time...