Learning to trust is one of life's most difficult tasks...

I had this strange moment today when I was in the middle of a conversation with people who know nothing of what has transpired in my life in the past week or so. They don't really know too much about me, honestly, and I'd like to keep it that way...the topic of trust came up and the group was talking about losing trust in someone and how sad a moment that is in one's life.

...and my mind wandered...as it sometimes does when the topic is not me...

and all the sudden i had to excuse myself, run to the office i've been working from and catch my breath, the truth which suddenly struck me was so intense, it was like being kicked in the stomach. I was wearing eye make up, so crying was not an option...so i stood in the room and quietly hummed the song "i should have been a cowboy" i don't know why i always hum that song when trying not to cry...but i have and a do and it works. 

the reason for this reaction?

the realization that i have not actually trusted Smash since around Christmas of 2009.

we started dating in September of 2009. 

Right after christmas in his parents basement was the first time that i saw flirty text messages to a girl who wasn't me. That girl, whom my friends refer to as "the texas slut" was the first sign that i should not have ever surrendered my heart to Smash...because at the same time that i did that...i surrendered my dignity. 

The texas slut (who is probably a lovely person) was a married chick who Smash met on tour, who did not explain the fact that she was married until after they had spent the weekend together. (scratch that) I don't exactly know what happened, nor should i...but when i found those first text messages, i knew that she would spell trouble for me. 

and she did. a few months later, while Smash was looking for an email and i was sitting on his lap, i saw an email conversation between them which indicated that the showcase i had attended a few days earlier, a few days before valentines day...which he said he had chosen the songs because he liked them...well the email indicated that he chose those songs for her. and suddenly, it made sense why he was so hot to record the set. 

the story went on with her, for years. in was 2 years later when i found pictures he had texted her...and a video...none of which included his face. 

...and i thought we were okay...i thought she was his achilles heel and in 2011 we were finally free of her and ready to move on together. 

...and then i started finding the porn...memberships to porn sites and a profile on "ashley madison" (slogan: life is short: have an affair)

i found myself explaining these things away. things that no woman should ever just let go...i let it go. why? i bought into his begging and pleading and teary eyed confessions. i bought into the look in his pretty blue eyes when i felt like I was looking deep into his soul. 

i thought i understood, i thought he loved me...and because he loved me; he wouldn't destroy us, he wouldn't destroy me. he could see the pain in my eyes, the hurt, the humiliation and he'd stop. i wasn't asking him to change, i was asking him to forget a married girl and stop abusing porn. 

but i stopped trusting him. i stopped believing him. i became a woman obsessed, a woman i didn't like...a woman i couldn't respect...

in 2012 he left, just left one day and neglected to answer his phone for a month...i took this on and demolished myself over what i did wrong, how i could be better how i could be whole again...and just as i started to become a person again, he was back...fighting, pleading and begging for me to trust him, to believe him...this time...he wrote me a song, left me love notes and did every single thing i had always wanted. 

but i still didn't trust him. it seemed like an act...but i fell for it. i fell for the blue eyes that i could get lost in. the jawline i liked to trace with my finger and the looks he would give me as he told me we'd never be there again, that we were going to be okay...this time. 

...and we were...for awhile...and then we were not...and the distance became greater and his lies were back and i was just too invested and too embarrassed to stop the ride. afraid that if i called it all off, no one would ever love me again...if i called it all off, then everyone was right and i was wrong and had been the fool...again.

...and yet i sit here in 2014...and history repeated itself...and kept getting uglier. there were new humiliations and new lowest lows. 

...and then there was nothing...and i'm free and ready to face the world...with a chip on my shoulder and the complete inability to trust anything from anyone. 

will i ever be able to trust again? will i date someone new and ruin it because i just can't sleep until i see their phone and insure that i'm not the fool again? how will that person cope with my crazy...will they understand that it's not me? that it's a learned activity from someone who was shelled into feeling like it was okay for her boyfriend to be sending dick pics to another girl...or to be posting on craigslist looking for ladyboys or sissies or she males or whatever else they are called or to have a profile on ashley madison indicating that he was a "well endowed man looking for some fun?".

how did i become this woman, so humiliated?

i should probably start apologizing to them now...

"i'm sorry new, normal person, but my ex sent dick pics to anyone who would have them...and can i please see your phone to ensure that you are not doing the same?" 

"i apologize, normal person, but my ex broke my trust and my self esteem so badly that it might rule out me ever being able to trust you" (cue tears and rage from a note from a female friend asking if they are going to a banal event and how i can't possibly understand how he could NOT be meeting up with her to cheat on me) 

who is going to want that? i wouldn't want to put me back together. i don't want to put me back together...

...unfortunately, i'm the only one who can...