At some point, I would have to make my way back to Chicago, even if only to check in on my life there and see what is left of my house, my home...the place that I worked so hard to make nice and welcoming.
I've got to go back and see what is left...and that is something I am dreading...something I'd like to put off for another week or two...or maybe forever.
But tonight is the night...and as an old boss of mine once said "It's time to put on your big girl pants and go to work"
Meaning, no matter how much it rattles me or how much I'd rather not do it...it's time to go home and figure it out.
I keep coming unglued at the thought of walking in there and seeing what is left from the house I tried so hard to make a home. To walk around and figure out what he moved and what he took and what of our things he decided were his. It's not actually the going home that bothers me. It's the seeing things that were there, the empty room that WAS his studio. The empty places where things used to be.
Although I know that the life I was going for did not technically exist...Now it's really going to be gone...vanished...
I'm not really sure how to handle that. I'm also not really sure what to do once I walk in and see everything.
Once the shock is over, what comes next? Do I shut the door and go to bed? Do I run out and go drinking...
Do I sit in my house, by myself and wonder why?
Why was I so foolish? Why did I allow myself to think that he was something that he never was? Why did I make 5 years worth of excuses for the reasons that he did things that were so disrespectful to me? Why did I not believe my gut?
Or also, and slightly more troubling, why do I still love him?
Why do I give a moments thought to what he thinks of me or how he's telling people our breakup went down, when obviously, there was not a time when he did the same for me? Why does it matter?
Professionally, this week has been amazing for me. Why then is it so hard for me to take these successes (where i'm going) and live on them and not think about the past (where i've been)
Tonight, I'll be in my house. Alone. And I'll try to figure out how to create a home again.
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