i read this article on a plane a few months back about how women, as a whole, are in a perpetual state of "i'm sorry"...and i know it's true. chicks, man, we'll apologize for anything. if the weather didn't cooperate, if the world didn't play along, there is some woman, some where, who's apologizing for it.
we've been pretty well oiled to apologize for things that we have NOTHING to do with.
and that's not a bad thing. sometimes, life doesn't work out and you are sorry for that.
but i spend half my life apologizing for mistakes i didn't make.
this weekend, Smash discovered that i had removed him as a dependent on my insurance and that he is responsible to pay his portion of the rest for the rest of the terms of our lease.
my entire conversation with him could have been summed up in a game of "don't say sorry" because that article was on the top of my mind the entire time...and i found myself instinctively writing and subsequently deleting "I'm sorry" about 55 times.
because i wasn't sorry. that's an abuse of the word.
Friday night i was rather melancholy...particularly alone...and vulnerable. the email i sent said "i hate that this is what we are now, nothing..." and that is true. i hate that someone who i've loved, even if it was pointless, is now in "see also" section of my life. we are nothing.
but that doesn't mean i wasn't damn sad about it.
he wrote me back and said it was my fault. because i didn't respond to text messages. because, unbeknownst to me...text message is the only acceptable form of breakup conversation. or so say yee...smash. Generally, i find text message to be a wholly acceptable, if not often preferable method of keeping up with others. It's quick, easy and you can communicate on your time...i can text a friend and tell them that the billboard I just saw in Times Square made me think of them...and not worry that i'm interrupting them, if they are in the middle of something, they don't need to answer. That's okay...it's the nature of the text.
but if you're in the midst of making major alterations to your life, say possibly moving your living situation. i humbly suggest that you don't rely on text message to strike up a conversation. I also suggest that if you are truly honest about making contact with someone that you at least ATTEMPT to go the "phone call/voicemail" route.
So the major issue here was NOT that Smash was attempting to move out his stuff and disappear and leave the responsibility to me...the MAJOR issue here was that I did not respond to text messages. It's not that he sent me an email AFTER he moved out, it's that I didn't write back. You see where this is going?
This is all my fault and I should be sorry for it.
I should also, be sorry that I removed him as a dependent on my health care and feel bad that the guy who has almost 22 TIMES more cash on hand than I do is going to have to figure out his own healthcare and his pay the rent for the abode that we SHARED through the terms on his lease.
I'm supposed to feel bad that my lack of response caused him to have a major communication breakdown.
The words i'm sorry are right on the tip of your tongue, right?
In what was likely a fit of rage, he told me to watch out because "If your going to make my life suck, then I'm going to make your life suck"...and i thought about it and reasoned with self that in all actuality, he had sort of already been doing that...I assumed a targeted attempt could not fall much further past what he had been doing...so i merely asked "if he was threatening me and why he would be threatening me"
he told me that i sucked out his soal.
What's a soal?
And it was here that I started to realize that baby was being backed into a corner. and no one backs baby in a corner. Unless you are Smash and Baby is me and i've been trying to get out of a corner for around 5 years.
I still didn't apologize. I told him I understood he was mad, but I still had not done anything to him.
He's still trying to back me into a corner and play on my sadness over loosing him, my good nature and my general desire to help people.
The only difference is somewhere in the past two weeks, I took the blinders off...i see what he's trying to do, the manipulation he's trying to have on me. The one way trip to Guilty-town he's trying to send me on.
i'm not immune to it...not yet. I obviously have to write this all out so that i can read and re-read and remind myself that while right now, life sort of sucks...i still have a soul (or a soal?)
and i'm still NOT sorry.
but if you're in the midst of making major alterations to your life, say possibly moving your living situation. i humbly suggest that you don't rely on text message to strike up a conversation. I also suggest that if you are truly honest about making contact with someone that you at least ATTEMPT to go the "phone call/voicemail" route.
So the major issue here was NOT that Smash was attempting to move out his stuff and disappear and leave the responsibility to me...the MAJOR issue here was that I did not respond to text messages. It's not that he sent me an email AFTER he moved out, it's that I didn't write back. You see where this is going?
This is all my fault and I should be sorry for it.
I should also, be sorry that I removed him as a dependent on my health care and feel bad that the guy who has almost 22 TIMES more cash on hand than I do is going to have to figure out his own healthcare and his pay the rent for the abode that we SHARED through the terms on his lease.
I'm supposed to feel bad that my lack of response caused him to have a major communication breakdown.
The words i'm sorry are right on the tip of your tongue, right?
In what was likely a fit of rage, he told me to watch out because "If your going to make my life suck, then I'm going to make your life suck"...and i thought about it and reasoned with self that in all actuality, he had sort of already been doing that...I assumed a targeted attempt could not fall much further past what he had been doing...so i merely asked "if he was threatening me and why he would be threatening me"
he told me that i sucked out his soal.
What's a soal?
And it was here that I started to realize that baby was being backed into a corner. and no one backs baby in a corner. Unless you are Smash and Baby is me and i've been trying to get out of a corner for around 5 years.
I still didn't apologize. I told him I understood he was mad, but I still had not done anything to him.
He's still trying to back me into a corner and play on my sadness over loosing him, my good nature and my general desire to help people.
The only difference is somewhere in the past two weeks, I took the blinders off...i see what he's trying to do, the manipulation he's trying to have on me. The one way trip to Guilty-town he's trying to send me on.
i'm not immune to it...not yet. I obviously have to write this all out so that i can read and re-read and remind myself that while right now, life sort of sucks...i still have a soul (or a soal?)
and i'm still NOT sorry.
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