However, there are only so many times one can hear "you'll be stronger" "i never liked him" or "this isn't about you" before you want to kindly and sweetly put both hands around the first available neck and squeeze.
see, i know i'm going to be okay and i know this isn't about me. I know that...my rational, logical, constantly aware head has made it abundantly clear that Smash's problems are not something I created. No matter how many times he's told me I'm the cause of his stress and how he claims to his friends that if he wasn't with me, he'd be perfectly happy...I know, logically and due to the literally THOUSANDS of dollars I've spent on therapy that happiness is within ones self.
I know that I am a reasonable and loving person and I know that while I can be a little headstrong, a little crazy and sometimes a bit of a pain in the ass, I also know that there I love hard, am loyal as all hell and will go far to delight the people I love. I know that I believe the best in people, or always try too, which is really how I find myself in the predicament I am in now.
I know that this isn't about me. It isn't really about anyone, but Smash himself. I get that...conceptually.
I know that somewhere in the world there is someone who will take the person that I am and love me FOR it, not IN SPITE of it. I know all this...I can recite it backwards and forwards and could probably do it in another language...if i'd ever had the patience to learn one.
Despite knowing all this conceptually and being able to verbalize it, my heart hasn't quite caught up with my head and moreover, has not caught up with anyone else's head either. My heart still wants to believe the best in Smash, to believe that someone who said so many times that they loved me was living in the same truth I was.
I know that my version of love and Smash's weren't the same. I know that my version of love does not include continual infidelity, grossly mis-representing one's financial state or trolling for sexual experiences via Craigslist or other websites.
My version of love, while not perfect, does not take advantage of someone, letting them do all they are willing to do for you and then blaming them for the shortcomings. Life already makes one acutely aware of their shortcomings, no matter what they are. The universe has a funny way of knocking you on your ass or letting you know that you're just a little bit too full of yourself. My girlfriend and I have always said that God has a sense of humor. I've called her to tell her about various predicaments and started the conversation with, "He's a funny guy that God..." Because the universe is always testing you and helping you grow or throwing a rock at your perfectly created glass house...sometimes it's how you realize that you're living in a glass house in the first place.
What I mean to say is, life is already hard. Love is already hard, relationships are already hard. The additional stress of constantly wondering what I had done wrong, why was he glaring at me...was he giving the best of himself to someone else? The constant barrage of thoughts of not being good enough (i've gained weight, that's why he doesn't want to have sex with me...i'm fat, that's why he doesn't tell me i'm beautiful) and wondering why he didn't know I cared (if i have the house completely clean and dinner ready when he gets home, he'll know i care and then i'll be good enough for him and then he will show me he cares too).
I tried to be the most carefree, most easy going i could possibly be...and he took it...and took it and took it. I gave and gave and gave, thinking that if i gave enough, if i let him do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted, that would be enough. But what happened? it bit me. it bit HARD.
Not caring if Smash came home drunk with his friends or stayed out all night drunk with his friends led to him doing it all the time. lead to the times when i DID care, when i needed him to be there for me...he accused me of controlling him.
Since he did not notice all the care and thought I had put in, when it came time to cash in, there was nothing for me to cash in on. No, "oh she's gone to so many family dinners with me, i need to make her family more of a priority" no, "she never says anything about me staying out all night with my friends, i should give her this one time she wants me to come home and spend time with her" and the thing is that i don't need anyone to point this out to me.
I know all this, in my head anyway.
The head and the heart need to start communicating real soon.
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