...it's now been 14 days...

i think because i ran away to New York almost immediately after this glorious implosion happened...and so much has been happening in my professional life, i feel like Chicago is very far away from me right now. But then I realize, two Fridays ago at this time, I didn't know anything yet. The fact that my boyfriend had solicited fetish sex from Craigslist or the fact that he was being dishonest about money were still completely lost on me.

and maybe, well, certainly that was easier.

There is something to be said about ignorance. Maybe I felt worse when he was blaming the breakup on me, who I am as a person. Maybe it would have been easier to buy into his accusations that I was the problem, I was the cause of all his unhappiness, his stress, his anxiety. Perhaps if I believed him that these were problems I caused, while that would have been painful, it would have been easier to get over...

I could have eventually separated myself from the fact and fiction of his accusations. I would have used the things I learned from my therapist when I was getting divorced to realize that no one can be the sole cause of someones happiness or unhappiness, despite what Hallmark or the wedding industry will have you believe. It's just not possible. Happiness is as much a choice as it is a feeling.

and I'm fairly certain that the "stress" I caused Smash had more to do with his constant need to cover his tracks so I wouldn't find out the seedy and disgusting things he was actually doing. Deleting things in his email inbox so that I wouldn't find out that he was propositioning people on craigslist. Deleting facebook messages so I wouldn't see what sort of flirtation and attempts to meet up he was having with another woman. Deleting pictures from his camera roll so that I wouldn't see the number of "dick pics" that he took that were NOT sent to me. Hiding his phone while he was texting so I wouldn't see he was texting another woman or another shemale. I'm sure that trying to hide that many lies, that much deceit, would be difficult and stressful.

There are other things that don't add up...and every so often there is something else that I remember which links up to something that hasn't added up and causes me to shudder and think that this might not be over yet.

While I've already been trying to prepare myself that more than likely, additional unsavory things, scary truths, painful realities...those are probably on their way. Missing prescription medication. I'm trying to insulate myself from them the best that I can...so it's just another piece of the puzzle. How often he was getting cash from various ATMS...that stuff does not make sense, there is something missing. I'm not sure what it is...and probably don't want to find out...

But it's been 14 days, I've gone to work every day...I haven't fallen apart or gone into hiding. While i feel like i could cry at the drop of a hat, i'm not.

This has all got to count for something.